The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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