i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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