I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
