We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
