i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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