If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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