did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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