I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
