Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
