No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?