I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends