I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.