the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
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Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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