and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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