she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
