Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just had sex on a roof
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
