I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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