mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
