I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
