The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
