I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
