so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
