Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it glows. i had to have it.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
