Rock
Scissors
Fuck
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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