theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
