She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
