Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
