I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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