i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
