i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
