I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
