Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
sarcasm needs its own font
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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