just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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