i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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