be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
