I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
