Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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