Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
