He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
