My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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