I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
