Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just puked most of my soul out..
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
