I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
