You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
