3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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