If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
