Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
