Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
