the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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