I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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