i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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