Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
