a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
