i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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