you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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