I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
