i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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