i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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