Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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