Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
