I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So here I am, sexting at work.
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