Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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