I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
